i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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