hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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