I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
