Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
