I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
