mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
