Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
