We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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