Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
