Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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