Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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