lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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