remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
