anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
