grandma shit on top of the toilet
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize