wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
