just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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