Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize