ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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