So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
