My liver just broke up with me...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
