only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
