did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Randomize
