I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize