he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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