some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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