Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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