oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize