Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
