dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize