Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
