Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
