I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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