textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
