omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
