I haven't been this sober since birth.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
