just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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