You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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