just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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