I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
