3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
