I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
