Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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