I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
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