omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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