Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
