I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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