my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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