Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
