How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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