If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Randomize
