His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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