Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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