I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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