I'll bet she douches with gravy.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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