Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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